


Approaching Normal

by strongfartz



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Established Relationship, M/M, Mania, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-03
Updated: 2017-05-30
Packaged: 2018-09-14 11:13:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9179038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strongfartz/pseuds/strongfartz
Summary: Genji knew there was something off about his boyfriend.He was just not sure what exactly was off about him.





	1. Consent to Treatment

**Author's Note:**

> March 5th, 2017
> 
> Update:
> 
> _I edited parts of this chapter after some critiques I received from friends. I hope this version is easier to follow and digest!_

Genji knew there was something off about his boyfriend.

He was just not sure what exactly was off about him.

Genji sat with half-lidded eyes atop of Lucio’s unmade navy blue bed, watching Lúcio pace frantically in front of him in the dorm-styled room, eyesight hindered by his visor, as sleep danced around Genji’s senses.  Genji twirled a white metallic finger around the thick cord protruding from his abdomen, the HUD in his visor showing a slowly rising neon green battery bar.

Genji and Lúcio have been dating for about eight months now.  Genji believes there are no secrets between the two men; the two spent a good portion of their time holding each other close and listening to their voices.  The two talked about moms and dads, about families’ pasts, getting to know where they came from.  Their hearts were on display, for both to see, to be welcomed with loving care and open arms.  Anger, sadness, resentment, joy, hatred… these emotions and so many more are well-spoken friends between the two lovers.  Whispered stories of childhood memories, past relationships, and inner turmoil were shared with the utmost attention, enraptured by each other’s biggest moments and smallest details of their lives.

Genji has no reason to believe Lúcio has been hiding anything from him.  So whatever Lúcio is going through, whatever the oddities with his behavior are, Lúcio probably does not know it himself.

Genji first started noticing that Lúcio was prone to odd behaviors three months into their relationship.  At first, Genji brushed off the abnormalities as an insignificant happenstance or a part of Lúcio’s infectious personality.  However, Genji began to realize that there was… a recurrence… as well as a disappearance of certain behaviors over a stretch of time.  A pattern, if you will.

There were days when the Brazilian stood a little too close for comfort near his allies, enthusiasm drenched in his voice at inappropriate times.  He spoke too loudly, too dramatically.  Then immediately too softly.  His words raced and tumbled from his lips, leaving others confused and dazed within the tumultuous, erratic storm of his thoughts.  The man was easily irritated and impatient, expecting others to keep up with his accelerated lifestyle.

As Lúcio and Genji grew closer and spent more time together, Genji realized that there were other peculiarities that were present with Lúcio’s bountiful energy.  Lúcio spent many nights awake well into morning, motivated by his own excessive energy.  He would often forget to eat; it was as if his body needed no fuel source to keep moving.  Lúcio started many musical projects and would leave most of them unfinished by the wayside, forgotten.  He seemed like he could not concentrate, needing a new and exciting stimulus to focus his fleeting attention on.  Lúcio had a ravenous sex-drive, rebounding quickly after release; everything needed to be harder, faster.  The man was insatiable, starved for release in any way possible.  (Genji could not complain; he was happy to please Lúcio in whatever way that he could with the physical limitations of his body.)  On top of all that was an overly good mood that never seemed to disappear, regardless of circumstances.

Just as there were times of grandiose for Lúcio, there were times where the sun was eclipsed by the moon.  During these times, Lúcio’s seemingly overflowing energy was drained, leaving the man who defined exuberance as a pitiful shell of himself, barely capable of expelling enough energy to get out of bed and fix a meal for himself.  Lúcio would hardly leave his room, much less his bed, for anyone, even Genji, unless absolutely necessary.  It was as if Lúcio was hibernating, sleeping well into the afternoon and never fully awake.  Everything exhausted him.

Lúcio’s smiles were forced, no creases, no light in his eyes, nothing.  He either ate too much or too little; there was no inbetween.  His sex drive became nonexistent, nor could he derive pleasure from anything else life offered him.  Nothingness.  Emptiness.  Lifeless.

If the perplexity of Lúcio’s behavior was not already bewildering, there were also periods of mixed behaviors scattered in between the clear highs, lows, and normalcy.  Genji found these moods to be peculiar and quite maddening.  He could only imagine the whirlwind of emotions that Lúcio must have been experiencing.

Genji’s eyelids began to stutter, fluttering as he struggled to stay awake for both himself and Lúcio’s sake.  Genji’s vision blurred, eyes unfocused as Lúcio pulled at his thick brown locks that whipped around his head with Lúcio’s haphazard, jittery movements.  Lúcio was mumbling harshly to himself, voice rising and rushing out in waves, filling the room in a calamity of shuffling feet and the ramblings of a panicked man.

Genji’s eyes finally slid and stayed shut, his mind blanking as sleep claimed his body.

 

* * *

 

_“Jiji?” Lúcio spoke suddenly, breaking the comfortable silence.  Lúcio’s warm hands covered Genji’s own atop the shorter’s stomach as Lúcio sat comfortably in between Genji’s legs._

_“Mmm… Yes, Lú?” Genji said softly, voice unobscured by his visor which rested on the nearby nightstand alongside his air mask.  His cheek rested on Lúcio’s head, the soft locks coupled with Lúcio’s heat made Genji’s eyes half-lidded with content._

_A pause.  “...My bones hurt…”_

_Genji blinked once. Twice.  He became well too aware of the other man’s presence; Genji lifted his head, unable to hide the questioning, incredulous expression on his face.  Luckily for him, Lúcio could not see it._

_“Your bones hurt?”  Genji tried to keep his voice neutral.  He did not want to belittle whatever Lúcio could be feeling, regardless of its peculiarity._

_“Yeah… My bones feel exhausted, like they are in pain… Almost brittle-like?  Uh…” Another pause.  “I know it’s not just a muscle because my whole body feels like this… And… I’ve had this pain for a few days…”  Lúcio seemed to struggle to find the right words._

_“Have you tried asprin…?  Tea?  Heat pads?  Maybe even talking to Dr. Ziegler?”_

_“Yes, yes, yes, and no.  I’ve done every home remedy possible in the past when I’ve had this pain and nothing_ **_fucking_ ** _works.  I haven’t talked to Dr. Ziegler because it eventually goes away.  I can’t help but wonder though…”_

_Genji hummed in thought.  His mind reeled, trying to think of something--anything--to help Lúcio._

_“I hope the pain goes away sooner rather than later.” Genji finally says after a stretch of silence.  He hugged Lúcio tighter, hoping the contact will comfort Lúcio in ways the cyborg could not provide assistance with otherwise._

 

* * *

 

Genji exhaled, opening his groggy eyes.

‘ _A dream?_ ,’ He thought.  ‘ _No, a memory… Yeah, a memory…_ ’

Genji took in his surroundings.  Lúcio could now be seen agitatedly tapping his foot as he stood looming over his computer, furiously typing something into a search engine.  Lúcio was eerily quiet compared to his earlier behavior, save for the harsh clacking of keys and echoes of a metal prosthetic tapping shallowly upon the floor.

‘ _I don’t know if this version of Lúcio is better or worse than before_ ,’ Genji thought, ‘ _but it probably won’t hurt if I rest my eyes for a few more minutes…_ ’

Genji closed his eyes once again.

 

* * *

 

_“Lúcio, I want you to talk with Dr. Ziegler.”_

_“Why?  What for?”  Lúcio looked at Genji quizzically, baffled by the abrupt change in subject._

_“You go through… these moods.  I’ve noticed that you’ve been depressed several times in a few months.  But, you also have these erratic, high energy moods that seem, well, painful.”  Genji explained.  “I’m only telling you this out of concern, you know.  You may not always tell me what you are going through, but I can tell that whatever is happening to you isn’t something everyone experiences.”_

_“To be honest… I’ve felt a bit out of control at times,” Lúcio confided.  “I don’t mean to worry you, but…”_

_“...But…?"_

_“I’m afraid.  I don’t want to know if there is something wrong with me… I’d rather suck it up and grit my teeth than be branded like I’m some sort of_ **_freak_ ** _.  I don’t want to be taking pills for the rest of my life just to function like everybody else.  Or worse.  What if the medicine changes me?  Like in a bad way?  Like, I lose a part of myself or something?  What if I can’t handle the changes I go through while on medication?”  Lúcio spoke just above a whisper, voice trembling.  Lúcio grimaced, his mind speeding through all the doomsday prophecies he knows all too well._

_“Lúcio, I—”_

_“No, Genji.  I’ve made up my mind,” Lúcio spoke firmly with no room for argument.  “...Thank you for your concern, though.  I appreciate it.”  Lúcio added after a moment, feeling a bit of remorse for cutting off Genji when his boyfriend only had the best of intentions._

_“Yeah… Yeah, sure.”  Genji was not sure, though._

 

* * *

 

Lúcio made a strained, exasperated growl.  Genji’s eyelids flew open at the inhumane noise that escaped from his boyfriend’s lips.

A sheen of sweat covered Lúcio’s body, contrasting the rather frigid temperature Lúcio set the room at an hour before.  His whole body felt like it was accelerating, powering into overdrive.  He felt out of control.  His mind would not _shut the hell up_ or **_stop_ ** _for_ **_one goddamn second_ ** .  His heart.  Oh, his poor heart.  It felt like it was going to leap outside of his chest and run a marathon FOR him.  Shaking.  He could not stop **_shaking_ **.  

“Oh.  Oh, god. _God_ .   _Just make it_ **_stop_** _!_ ” Lúcio thought.  Well, he thought and also shouted; however, Lúcio only seemed to register his thoughts and not his actions at that moment. Tears began to form in Lúcio’s eyes, daring to overflow.  He needed to end this.  Now.

There was only one way how.

Lúcio bolted out of his room, slamming the door open and running at full speed down the corridor.  Startled and roused, Genji hurriedly yanked his cord from wall and followed Lúcio’s panicked frenzy through the base.


	2. The Answers

The sun was setting, which painted the sky with streaks of rosey oranges amongst the deepening blue backdrop.  The vast ocean reflected the distant yellow sun, which was surrounded by dark blue seas.

Lúcio sat upon a cliff’s edge overlooking the majestic ocean and magnificent sunset.  He took in a deep breath, then exhaled.  He closed his eyes, smelling the salty sea air.  He felt the ocean breeze come and go in bursts, carrying his locks with the wind.

“Somehow I knew I would find you here.”

Lúcio cracked open an eye and turned his head back to glance at the owner of the voice.  Genji stood a few feet away.  Lúcio smiled softly before facing the setting sun once more.  Genji moved silently, then gracefully folded himself next to Lúcio.  They sat in silence, bodies almost touching.  Almost.

As Lúcio watched the crashing waves below, he was reminded of the overwhelming emotions he felt one night about a year ago.

 

* * *

 

_ “Here.  Take this.” _

_ Lúcio eyed the outstretched hand suspiciously.  In the palm of the woman’s hand laid a white pill.  The pill was the length of his pinky nail but only as wide as a third of his nail. _

_ “What’s this?” Lúcio asked, his voice strained and wavering.  His legs bounced restlessly, making a steady hollow thumping noise against the metal observation table.  His fingers drummed against the white paper cover, a quick and light staccato of sixteenth notes paired with the thud of his legs created an anxious, frantic beat that filled the small room with unorthodox music. _

_ “It’s an atypical antipsychotic medication.  It will help you relax,” the blonde doctor said, her blue eyes were calm as she waited patiently for Lúcio to take the pill. _

_ Lúcio looked towards Genji who sat in a chair at a corner in the room.  Genji held Lúcio’s gaze for a moment before nodding once. _

_ Lúcio took the pill between pinched fingers, popping the pill into his mouth, then swallowed. _

_ “What you’re experiencing is mania.  You’re having a manic episode,”  Dr. Ziegler stated as Lúcio finished swallowing the pill.  “High energy, excessive activity, irritability, impatience, racing thoughts, an inability to concentrate, little need for sleep, and aggression are all symptoms of a person in a manic state.  Are you taking any illegal substances or do you have any other medical conditions?  Are you prescribed with any medications?” _

_ “No and no,” Lúcio answered too firmly, his voice unusually loud. _

_ “Then it’s reasonable to assume that you have bipolar disorder, or manic depression, Lúcio.” _

_ Lúcio furrowed his brows.  “...Bipolar?” _

_ “To put it simply, bipolar disorder is when a person experiences a high, or mania, then later on they will experience a low, or depression.  Hence the term ‘manic depression.’  However,” Angela paused, pursing her pale pink lips as she assessed Lúcio with hard, analytical eyes, “you’re also experiencing anxiety.  Symptoms of anxiety include heart palpitations, not being able to sit still, and sweating,” Dr. Ziegler proceeded to tear a brown paper towel from a roll near a metal sink and handed the towel to Lúcio.  Lúcio took it wordlessly, blotting his forehead and crumpling the paper towel between his hands where most of the sweat has accumulated.  “Do you know if there’s a reason for your anxiety?” _

_ Lúcio shrugged, his tense shoulders rising and falling abruptly.  “No, or at least no reason that I can think of.” _

_ “Well, it seems to me that you could also have generalized anxiety disorder.  I’d need to have a more in-depth conversation with you to be certain, but I’m fairly confident in my decision,” the doctor smiled assuredly. _

_ “Okay, but like, I have  _ **_no_ ** _ idea what ‘generalized anxiety’ means,” Lúcio said somewhat bitingly. _

_ “Generalized anxiety disorder also goes by the name ‘free floating anxiety disorder.’  Basically, as the other name suggests, it refers to anxiety that can’t be pinpointed to a specific issue or if there isn’t any provocation for the anxiety.  In other words, you’re experiencing anxiety ‘just because.’  It’s frustrating, I know,” the woman added after noting that Lúcio’s exasperated expression was intensifying by the second. _

_ Lúcio put his face in his hands and growled.  Loudly. _

_ “...Is something wrong, Lúcio?”  The woman hesitated before reaching out, putting a delicate hand upon Lúcio’s stiff shoulder. _

_ “No.  It’s just…  Heh…  I don’t know what I was expecting, but it definitely wasn’t that.  You kinda just… confirmed that one of my fears came true,” Lúcio explained tiredly, voice muffled by his hands. _

_ The doctor was quiet for a few moments, lightly rubbing Lúcio’s shoulder soothingly. _

_ “I think I can understand what you’re going through,” Angela said, breaking the short silence.  “No one wants to be mentally ill.  But that’s just it.  You aren’t different; you’re still you.  The loveable Lúcio that’s friendly, positive, and caring is not going away,” The woman gently shook Lúcio’s shoulders. _

_ “You don’t have to tell anyone about this,” Genji spoke up while rising from his chair.  “It could be just between us three _ _ —you, me, and Angela _ _ ,” Genji said, walking up to Lúcio.  “Even if you choose to tell other people, you’re still going to be loved for you.  And, if there  _ **is** _ someone out there who will treat you differently,” Genji held Lúcio’s hand firmly, “well, fuck them!” _

_ The three of them chuckled, the tense atmosphere of the room lifting with each exhale. _

_ Lúcio smiled wholeheartedly, crinkling his eyes.  “Thank you.  Both of you.  For everything.” _

_ “Any time, Lúcio.  I’m here for you,” Dr. Ziegler said with a warm smile, patting Lúcio’s shoulder before removing her hand.  “Now, go get some sleep.  We can talk some more later.” _

 

* * *

 

“Are you ready to leave?”

Genji’s voice broke Lúcio’s musing.  Lúcio looked towards Genji and blinked, eyelids fluttering. He turned towards the sea again, realizing that the sun has set, a fresh blanket of dim stars filled the night sky.

Lúcio exhaled slowly.  “Yeah,” he said.  He turned towards Genji with an easy smile.  “I am.”

Genji stood first, getting to his feet in one fluid motion.  Genji extended an arm towards Lúcio, which Lúcio accepted, rising to his feet as well.  The two men continued to hold hands as they climbed down the cliffside towards the base.  They walked side by side, hands warmed, with Lúcio’s head on Genji’s shoulder while Genji rested his head on top of Lúcio’s.  They walked through the halls, entering into Lúcio’s room with heavy footsteps.  The two men broke apart as Lúcio popped a pill into his mouth, then proceeded to take a swig of water from a water bottle.  Lúcio placed the pill container on his bedside table, soon to be emptied like the rest of the containers with each passing day.  The graveyard of pill bottles rivaled the sea of plastic water bottles that littered Lúcio’s floor.

Lúcio crawled onto his bed and got under his thick comforter.  Genji quickly followed suit, removing his mask and armor before sliding into bed beside Lúcio.  Genji’s arms wrapped around Lúcio’s abdomen, while their legs intertwined.  Lúcio leaned to his side, pressing a kiss to Genji’s forehead, trailing his lips down rough, scarred skin to kiss the tip of Genji’s nose, and then meeting once again against Genji’s lips.

“I think we should clean up your room tomorrow,” Genji said gently, smiling ever so softly as the ends of his lips curved upwards ever so slightly.

Lúcio rolled his eyes.  “Alright, Jiji,” Lúcio mocked with an irritated voice while grinning from ear to ear.  “Anything else on your mind?”

“I think you should talk and meditate with my master again.  I believe Zenyatta can help you find peace.”

“Sounds good to me.”  Lúcio closed the distance between the two men, kissing Genji again, and again, and again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks to my friend Rai for being awesome.

**Author's Note:**

> The title of the story and chapters are references to Blue October albums. There are also references to Blue October songs scattered throughout this fanfiction.
> 
> My tumblr is [@strongfartz](http://strongfartz.tumblr.com). You can also find me on twitter [@strongfartz](http://twitter.com/strongfartz).


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